Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
"Use a pencil 'till I get there!"
What's a vampire's favourite sport?
Batminton!
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with!
Why did the witch give up fortune telling?
There was no future in it!
Why do vampires like school dinners?
Because they know they won't get stake!
Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights!
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater!
What medicine would you give an ill ant?
Antibiotics!
What did the elf use to make him taller?
He used elf raising flour.
What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don't look, I'm changing.
What has webbed feet and fangs?
What do you call a girl with the Titanic on her head?
What do you say if you get in trouble for not doing your homework? "You can't tell me off for something I didn't do!"
Why don't the most popular crisps run a marathon? Because they are walkers!
How does a skelaton call his friends? On a skelabone.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? A No eye deer!
What card do you bow down to? The master card!
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? You are far too young to smoke.
What do you get when you cross a rooster, a dog and something gross? A cockle-doodle-eww!
What do you call a line of barbies? A barbeque.
Why did the boy blush when he opened the fridge? He saw the salad dressing!
Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him.
Why did the king go to the dentist? To get his teeth crowned.
How did the farmer fix his jeans? With a cabbage patch.
Why was the broom late? Because it over swept!
What game do cows play at parties? Moooosical chairs.
Where was deodorant invented? Pittsburgh
What do you call a snowman in July? A puddle!
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A Gummy bear.
Which is the largest rope in the world? Europe!
Why did the music teacher get locked out of the classroom? She left the keys in the piano!
Why couldn't they play cards on the ark? Because Noah was sitting on the deck.
Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies shower room? Because he wanted to venture where no man had ever been before.
Why wasn't Cinderella any good at football? She kept running away from the ball.
Have you heard about the teacher who was cross-eyes? She couldn't control her pupils!
What's yellow and makes a lot of noise? Custard screams!
Why did Mickey Mouse go to space? To look for pluto.
Ali G's sister was having baby twins but when they were born she became ill. When she got better she woke up and realised she hadn't named them. "Doctor I haven't named my children." asked the mother. "Don't worry your brother named them." "what are their names?" she replied. The doctor replied "Denise and Denephew"
Why are babies good at football? Because they dribble!
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 789 (seven ate nine)
Why was the Egyptian boy confused? Because his daddy was a mummy!
How do you catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut!
What do you call a nervous witch? A twitch.
What has webbed feet and fangs? Count Quackula.
What dog smells of onions? A hot dog.
What has four eyes and a mouth? The Mississipi.
Who makes suits and eats spinach? Popeye the Tailorman!
Have you heard about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.
What did they award the man who invented the door knocker? The No-bell prize.
Did you hear about the robbers who fell into the sea? They started a crime wave!
What do you call a poster advertising the last teddy for sale? A one ted poster!
What do you call a Roman Emperor with the flu? Julius Sneezer.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What do you call a box of ducklings? A box of quackers.
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor!
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
What is the most popular sentence at school? I don't know!
What happens when ducks fly backwards? They quack up.
What did the parakeet say when he'd finished shopping? "Just put it on my bill!"
Did you hear about the bird that lived underground? It was a mynah bird!
Whats the longest word in the English language? Smiles, because there's a mile between the first and the last letter!
Why did the frog say meow? He was learning a foreign language.
What did the frog order at McDonalds? French flies and diet croak!
What did the chewing gum say to the shoe? "I'm stuck on you!"
What is black and white and pink all over? An embarrassed zebra.
How did the telephones get married? In a double ring ceremony.
Why did the child study in the aeroplane? Because he wanted a higher education.
What kind of hair do oceans have? Wavy!
"Waiter, this soup tastes funny!" "Then why arn't you laughing then?"
Why did the clock get sick? Because it was run down.
"This match won't light!" "That's funny, it did this morning."
What do you get if you cross a Scottish legend and a bad egg? The Loch Ness Pongster.
What cheese is made backwards? Edam!
What did Aladdin's lamp say? "You turn me on!"
Whats the chilliest ground in the premiership? Cold Trafford!
How did the football pitch end up as a triangle? Somebody took a corner!
What do you call a demon who slurps his food? A goblin.
Why are teachers happy at halloween parties? Because there is lots of school spirit!
What did the really ugly man do for a living? He posed for halloween masks.
Did you hear about the man who plugged his electric blanket into the toaster? He kept popping out of bed all night.
Do elephants snore? Only when they are asleep.
What do penguins use for napkins? Flapkins.
What do you call a cat that is frozen? A catsicle.
What is the one word a dog can say? Bark!
"Knock knock!" "Who's there?" "Boo." "Boo Who?" "Don't cry, it's only a joke!"
Why did the computer go to the doctors? Because it had a virus.
Why do birds fly south in the winter? Because it's too far to walk!
What is a baby's motto? If at first you don't succeed, cry and cry again!
Who earns a living driving their customers away? Taxi drivers.
What colour is a burp? Burple.
What did the blanket say to the bed? "You're under cover!"
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor? It was just a stage he was going through.
Why was the cookie so sad? Because he was feeling kind of crummy!
What did the cook give his girlfriend for their anniversary? A gold carrott onion ring.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? Because he wanted cold hard cash.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey on it.
Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station.
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Count Quackula.
Mandy lifeboats.