Wedding Rings
Marriage is a three ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
A Successful Husband A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man!
Bob Marley Collection My wife's just left me and she took the Bob Marley collection and the satellite Tv. I'm gutted. No, woman, no sky!
Life Insurance An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life insurance policy. "Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow," he said. "What would you get?" "Oh, a Labrador dog, I think," replied the housewife. "They're so well-behaved.
Two Types Of Man There are two times a man does'nt understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!
Peaches There was a woman in court accused of stealing a tin of peaches from her local shop. The judge asks "How many peaches were in the tin?" to which she replies "four." He tells her that she will serve one month for each peach. As she is being taken down, her husband shouts " And she stole a fucking tin of peas!"
The Wife Got Too Big If your wife has got too fat, tell her to walk 3 miles in the morning, 3 miles in the evening and after a week the fat twat will be 42 miles away!
The Downside Two newlyweds are fooling around one night when the woman moves a bit too quickly and almost breaks the man's cock. He warns her, "If you had got me, I would have punched you in the face." Insulted, the woman says to him, "I would never talk to you again!" After a moment of thought, the man responds and says, "Is there a downside?"
Divorce How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? It doesn't fucking matter, they never get the house!
Bank Account A husband was furious when he found out that the bank account was empty. When he confronted his wife she said to him "it's my turn!" "What do you mean, your turn?" yelled the husband. "In bed, you've been making early withdrawals for years, now it's my turn!" she replied!
The Wizard An old man went to a wizard to see if he could remove a "curse" he'd had been living with for 40 years. the wizard says to him, "Maybe, but you'd have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you!" The old man replies without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife!"
The Bra A middle-aged man says to his wife, "Honey, you should go bra-less" She says to her husband, "Do you really think my breasts are still perky enough?" He says "Erm, no! But maybe it would iron out the wrinkles on your face!"
The Cost Of Marriage A little boy asks his dad, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" His father replies to him, "I've no idea son, but I'm still paying for it."
For Sale Ad seen in the paper: For sale by owner Complete set of encyclopedia britanica, 45 volumes and it's in excellent condition. £1000 or best offer. No longer needed because I got married last weekend. My wife knows everything!
A Boy Heard A boy asks his father, "Dad, is it true, I heard in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her." His dad replies, "That happens in every country son!"
The Starter A husband and wife are eating tomato and basil soup for their starter at a top London restaurant. The wife spill soup all over her top and says, "Oh no, now I look like a pig." He replies, "Yes, and you also got fucking soup down you!"