A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
What would happen if Superman consumed 10 Lbs of laxative?
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of "sure".
There are no winners in life...only survivors.
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?
I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.
A tightrope-walker tripping on a sidewalk is completely unacceptable.
Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
Studies have proven that 6 out of 7 people enjoy gang rape.
If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?
Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
If you go to sleep with a itching ass you will wake up with a stinking finger!
Chemistry: Physics without thought.
I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.
Dyslexics have more fnu.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Death is hereditary.
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Could you drive any better if I shoved that mobile phone up your ass?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Assassins do it from behind.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
My hockey mum can beat up your football mum.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and give it to me now!
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
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