B&Q
I was arrested in B&Q for punching a coloured lady on the till.
It wasn't my fault.
My dad told me to go in and get a black and decker!
Two Indian Junkies
Two Indian junkies accidentally sorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both were rushed to hospital.
One's in a Korma ad the other has a dodgy Tikka.
Dear Jeremy Kyle
I am 15 and pregnant ad my parets don't know. they havn't met my boyfried yet. His name is Leroy and he is Jamaican and a Yardie. Leroy is bisexual and HIV positive and he has tourettes. Leroy is married and is twenty years older than me. He deals drugs and carrys a gun. He lives in a squat and is just out of jail and he likes animal porn.
My problem is, how the fuck do i tell my parents that he supports Man Utd?
Farting In The Pub
You are in the pub when you suddenly realise you need to fart. The music is really loud so you time your farts with the beat. After a few songs you start to feel a lot better. As you finish your pint, you notice that everyone is staring at you.
Then all of a sudden you realise that you were listening to your ipod!
The Pub Quiz
What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night?
"What you lookin' at!"
Planet's
What's Hitler's least favourite planet?
Jewpiter!
Dead Babies
What is worse than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?
One dead baby nailed to ten trees!
Communication
What are the three fastest means of communication?
Telephone, television and tell a woman!
Three Words
What are three words you never want to hear whilst making love?
"Honey, I'm home."
The Lepor
Why was the lepor caught speeding?
Because he couldn't take his foot off the accelerator.
Smelly Farts
Why do farts smell?
To benefit the deaf.
Phillips Girlfriend
Why was Phillips girlfriend annoyed?
Because she found out that Phillips 24 inch was actually a Tv.
Toilets In KFC
Why don't they provide toilets in KFC?
Because it's finger licking good!
Medicines
The teacher asks her pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: 'Tylenol.'
'Very good! And what is it used for?'
'Headaches Miss'
The second pupil said: 'Nytol'
'Good. And what it is used for?'
'To help you sleep.'
Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra'
'Johnny, what is it used for?'
'I think it can be used for diarrhea.'
'Who told you this?'
'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father, 'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.'
Door Bell
Yo mamma so poor when i ring the doorbell she yells "DING DONG"!
Hostage
My son went outside to play with his new toy pistol.
He came back an hour later with 12 French tourists he was holding hostage!
Accident At Work
I had an accident at work last week and I decided to make a claim for compensation.The boss told me I was wasting my time and I wouldn't get any money.
Apparently shitting your pants isn't the type of accident they pay out for.
Irishmen Went Scubadiving
Two Irishmen were standing on the beach and one said to the other, ' Why do scuba divers always fall backwards? '
His friend replied, ' If they fell forwards they would never get off the fucking boat. '
Sentence
What do Gareth Gates and Harold Shipman have in common?
Both of them can't finish a life sentence!
The Muslim Birthday Party
I went to my first Muslim birthday party yesterday. Musical chairs was a bit slow but you should have seen how fast we played pass the parcel!
Shit
Four men go for a job at a car factory. The first man goes to talk to the job interviewer who asks "What is the fastest thing in the world" and the man says "blinking because you just blink".
The second man goes in and asked the same question so the man said "thinking because you just think".
Finally, the third man goes in and says electricity because when you turn the light on it just appears. The last man goes in and when he is asked the same question .. he says poo! The job interviewer asks why he'd said that?
He replied "Because last night I didn't have time to blink, think or turn on the lights .. I just pooed myself!"
Jeeto
Jeeto complained to her friend Preeto
"She told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her."
"Well," replied Preeto in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed Jeeto. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."
All Cats Go To Heaven
Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on.
The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.
A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat.
They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.
One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.
Witches
Why do witches never wear underwear?
So they can get a better grip on the broom.
Black Men And Pizza
Whats the difference between a black man and pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four!
How To Make A Little Girl Cry
How do you make a little girl cry twice?
Wipe your bloody cock on her favourite teddy-bear!