What drys, as it gets wet?
A towel!
There is a guy who lives in a one story house. Everything in his house is pink. The walls are pink, the doors are pink, the fireplace is pink, the mirror is pink, the kitchen is pink. Everything, pink. So what colour are the stairs?
Don't be silly, there are no stairs in the one storey house!
What stinks when living and smells good when it's dead?
Bacon.
How do you spell chilly with only two letters?
IC = Icy
A fifteen foot long rope is tied to a horse. The horse is 25 feet away from a stack of hay. How can the horse reach the stack of hay?
The rope isn't tied to anything but the horse so the horse is free to move.
What goes up and down the stairs without moving?
A rug!
Give me food, and I will live; give me water, and I will die. What am I?
Fire.
John couldn't take a picture of his mum with curlers. Why?
You can't take a picture with curlers silly, you need a camera!
The man who invented it doesn't want it. The man who bought it doesn't need it. The man who needs it doesn't know it. What is it?
A coffin.
What can you catch but not throw?
A cold.
I run over fields and woods all day. Under the bed at night I sit not alone. My tongue hangs out, up and to the rear, awaiting to be filled in the morning. What am I?
A shoe.
What runs smoother than any rhyme, loves to fall but can't climb?
Water.
What's the speed limit of sex?
68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
What seven letter word becomes longer when the third letter is removed?
Lounger
What do you call a fish without an eye?
A Fsh
How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup?
Read the fucking label!
There was a boy at a fair. He went to a booth where a man says to the little boy " If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you must give me £20 but if i can't then I will pay you £20." Even though there were no scales the man still won the bet. How did the man win the bet?
He wrote "Your exact weight" onto the piece of paper.
What is broken everytime it's spoken?
Silence
There is a man trapped in a room, with no windows or doors and all he has got is a table. How does he get out?
He rubs his hands until they are sore, he saws the table in half, two halves make a whole so he jumps through the hole.
What work can a painter never quite finish?
Her autobiography
Mum and Dad have four daughters, and each daughter has one brother. How many people are in the family?
Seven. The four daughters have only one brother, making five children, plus their mum and dad.
You have a barrel of oil, and you need to measure out just one gallon. How do you do this if you only have a three-gallon container and a five-gallon container?
Fill the 3-gallon container with oil and pour it into the 5-gallon container. Then fill the 3-gallon container again and use it to fill the 5-gallon container the rest of the way. One gallon will be left in the 3-gallon container.
I am lighter than a feather, yet nobody can hold me for that long. What am I?
Breath
What can travel around the world whilst staying in a corner?
A stamp.
What is as big as you are yet does not weigh anything?
Your shadow!