The Lion, the Bear and the Pig
A lion, a bear and a pig are sitting around discussing how hard they each are.
The lion says "When i roar the whole jungle shakes!"
The bear says "When I roar the whole forest trembles!"
"So what!" says the pig. "All i have to do is sneeze and the whole fucking world shits itself!"
Tigger
Why did Tigger go and look inside the toilet?
Because he was looking for Pooh!
Talking Parrotts
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"
The Lonely Frog
A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.
His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
The Python
What do you call a python with a great bedside manner ?
A snake charmer !
Elephant In The Fridge
How can you tell if there's been an elephant in your fridge?
There will be footprints in the butter!
Small Balls
Why do mice have small balls?
Because not that many know how to dance.
The Horny Toad
What sound does a horny toad make?
"Rub it, rub it!"
Virgin Wool
Where do you get virgin wool from?
An ugly sheep!
The Wall
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"
Seagulls
Why do seagulls live near the sea?
Because if they lived near the bay, they'd be bagels!
The Monkey
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because monkey see, monkey do!
Frogs
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them!
Stylish Frogs
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
Blind Skydiving
Why don't blind people skydive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Pantyhose
How many animals can fit inside a pair of pantyhose?
10 little piggies, 2 calfs, a beaver and an ass!
The Tampon
What does an elephant use for a tampon?
A sheep!
Canaries How many canaries can you fit under a Scotsman's kilt? It depends how long the perch is!
Elephant's Making Love How do you know if Elephants have been making love in your back garden? The rubbish is all over the floor and the bin bags are missing!
Mastubating Cattle What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle? Beef Strokenoff
Crab Party Did you hear about the crab that went to a crustation party? It pulled a mussel then went home.
The Zebra Who Lived In The Zoo There was a zebra who'd lived in the zoo all of her life and was starting to get old so the zoo keeper decided she could spend her final years resting on a farm. The Zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float and saw lots of hills, green grass, trees and strangle animals. She saw a big fat brown thing and ran up to it in excitement. "Hi I'm a Zebra, what are you?" said the Zebra to the cow. "I'm a cow." "And what do you do?" asked the Zebra. "I make milk for the farmer," said the cow. "Cool!" The Zebra then saw a funny looking white thing and ran upto it saying "Hi, I'm a Zebra, what are you? "I'm a chicken." "Oh right, what do you do?" asked the Zebra. "I make eggs for the farmer," replied the chicken. "Greeat, see you around!" said the Zebra. Then the Zebra saw a lovely looking animal just like her, but without the stripes, and so she ran over to her. "Hi, I'm a Zebra, what are you?" "I'm a Stallion." he replied. "Wow!" said the Zebra, "and what do you do?" "Take off your pyjamas darling, and i'll show you!" replied the Stallion.
Hungry Horse How do you write "hungry horse" with only four letters? MTGG!
Prey What birds spend all their time on their knees? Birds of prey!
Cat Actors What do cats say when they are acting on stage? "Tabby or not tabby, that is the question!"
A Poor cat What did the cat say when he lost all of his money in a poker game? "I'm paw"
Tigers
On what day do Tigers like to eat?
Chewsday!