The Blonde and The Doctor
A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other one?"
"They called back."
The 999 Call
A blonde called 999, screaming "Help me, help me my house is on fire".
The dispatch said "Please calm down. I need to get some information from you".
Again the blonde yelled "Help me, help me my house is on fire".
The dispatch said "Mam calm down, how do we get to your house?".
The blonde replied "Duh... In the big red truck".
A Blonde Buys A Car
One day a blonde walks into a car shop. She looks around to see if she can find the perfect car for herself.
She finds a beautiful car with fine leather, but as she bends over to feel it she lets out a fart!
She looks around to see if anyone noticed, but as she turns she sees the sales guy is behind her so she asks him "How much is this car"
He replies back "Miss, If you farted just by touching the leather then you're going to shit yourself when you hear the price!"
The Driving Liscence
A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer who was also blonde.
The police woman asked to see her driving liscence. She dig through her purse and kept getting more aggitated as she didn't know what to look for so asked the police woman "What does it look like?"
The policewoman replied "It's square and has your picture on it!"
"Here it is.", the woman replied handing the police officer a mirror that she had seen herself in.
The blonde officer looked at it, then handed the mirror back saying "It's ok, you can go, I didn't realise you were a cop!"
The Magic Mirror
There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.
If you told a lie it would suck you in.
One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.
The Pizza
A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
The Lightbulb
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, one to hold the light bulb and one to spin the ladder around!
Beer Bottles and Blondes
What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
Kidnapping
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put £10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the £10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
The £20 Note
Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde are walking down the street when they spot a £20 note on the ground. Who gets it?
PC World A blonde goes into PC World looking for curtains for her computer. The assistant says "You don't need curtains for a computer." The blonde replies "Hellooo! It's got fucking windows!"
Cattle Herders Why don't blondes make good cattle herders? Because they can't even keep two calves together!
Typists Why are only 3% of blondes touch typists? Because the other 97% are huntin' peckers!
Handicap Why is it good to have a blonde as a passenger in a car? Because then, you can park in the handicapped spaces.
The Zit What do you call a zit on a blonde girls arse? A brain tumour!
Blowjobs Why do blondes give such good blowjobs? It's because that's what they spend all their life training for.
Condoms Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? So that she wouldn't get hearing Aids!
The Capital A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of world capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of London?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: L."
The Television A blonde went to an electrical store during the January sales and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV please," she told the sales assistant. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She rushed home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave!," he replied.
Brain Cells What do you call a blonde with brain cells? Pregnant
The Bank Robbery Two blondes are racing down a bumpy country road in a pretty beat up car down to a bank they're going to rob. "Drive slower" pleads the one in the passenger seat, "I don't "Relax," the driver replies, "even if it did, I've got a spare box
Tossed Off A Building If a blonde and a brunette were tossed off a building which one hits the ground first? The brunette. The blonde has to stop halfway for directions!
The Flower Shop Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the
Do Not Cheat On A Blonde A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
Boat On The Road One day a blonde was driving down the highway when she saw another blonde on the side of the road trying to row in a boat. The blonde pulled over and said "You know it's people like you that give us blondes a bad name, if I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ass".
The Firing Line A brunette, a redhead and a blonde get captured and are placed before a firing squad.
University What do you call a blonde at university? A Visitor.
A.I What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? Artificial Intelligence!
Blondes And Beer What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
Grenade What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run for your life, she's probably got a grenade in her mouth!
IQ What happens when a blonde gets alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up.
The Closet What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet? The 1977 world hide and seek champion.
The Raffle A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked, "Where did you get that?" The pig replied, "I won her in a raffle!"
Blonde Brain Cells How do blonde brain cells die? Alone.
How To Describe A Blonde How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? Flattered.
Blondes And Birds How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
You've Got Mail A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.
The Airline An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
Speeding Robert, a police officer, stops a blonde for over-speeding and asks her very politely if he could see her license. She wearily replies, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Yesterday, you take away my license and today, you expect me to show it to you."
Hair How does a blonde part their hair? By doing the splits.
Vibrators Why don't blondes use vibrators? Because they chip their teeth.
Blondes And Doorknobs Why is a blonde like a doorknob? Because everyone gets a turn.
Washing Machines Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? Because they both drip when they're fucked.
Multiple Orgasms What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? "Way to go team!"
The Car Door How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? She opens the car door.
The Brunette And The Blondes What is a brunette between two blondes? An interpreter.
UFO's What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common? You always hear about them but never see them.
Blondes With Pigtails What do you call a blonde with pigtails? A blowjob with handlebars.
PMS What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and a yeast infection? A wine and cheese party.
Legs What does a blondes left leg say to the right leg? Nothing, they have never met.
The Nursery Rhyme What's a blondes favourite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme!
The Bowling Ball What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.
Blondes In A Freezer What do you call twenty blondes in a freezer? Fosted flakes.
The Bemuda Triangle What does a blonde and the Bemuda triangle have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of semen!
Painting A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. She showed him the instructions on the tin,
"For best results, put on two coats".
Two Blondes In A Car Park Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger. The first blonde says to the other "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!" The secong blonde replies "Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!"
The Time A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
Blondes And Lipstick Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead? Because she was trying to make up her mind.
Lightning Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? Because they think they're getting their picture taken.
A Blonde Snowman Why does it take longer to make a blonde snowman? You have to hollow out the head as well as put the carrott on for the nose.
Icecubes Why can't blondes make icecubes? Because they always forget the recipe.
want all the nitro to explode all over the boot."
in the back!"
street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to
see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me
flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the
big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations
after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending
the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
They are about to be executed and the brunette says "Look...Hurricane" and points to her left while she gets away.
The redhead girl says "Look...Tornado", points and gets away.
Finally the blonde tries to do the same thing she says "FIRE"
She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that.
The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail".
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
The Joke
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
Keeping A Blonde Busy
How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Orange Juice
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice?
Because it said 'concentrate'.
The Hockey Team
What happened to the blonde Hockey team?
They drowned at spring training.
Twinkle
How do you get a twinkle in a blondes eyes?
Shine a torch in her ear!
Traffic Lights
While waiting at a cross walk for the light to change, a blonde asked why the signal was buzzing. When she was told that it was to let blind people know when the light was red, she replied, "What in the world are blind people doing driving?"
The Office
How do you know a blonde has been in your office?
There is white-out on the computer screen.
College
What does a blonde say after two or more years of college?
"Would you like fries with that?"
Zebra
What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
Spot!
The Blonde And Her Boyfriend
What did the blonde say when her boyfriend blew in her ear?
"Thanks for the refill, honey!"
The Mating Call
What is a blondes mating call?
"I'm SO DRUNK!"
Knock Knock Jokes
Why can't you tell a blonde a knock knock joke?
Because she'd go and answer the door.
The Time
There was a blonde girl standing on a pavement and whilst a man walked past she asked, "Whats the time?' and the man replied "10 to 12 Miss!"
The girl says "Well, i've been asking people all day and nobody has given me the same answer!"