Investigating A Homicide
A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman.
The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.
The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.
The detective responded, "I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got her!"
Driving Around With Beer Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over.
The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"
"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.
The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down the road. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."
The New Bike
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah!"
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a £20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
In Jail
This exchange was overheard between the separated sections
of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side: I got 12
inches over here you would love to have.
The female response was: Well, spit it out it isn't yours.
The Executed Murderer
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Can you hold my hand?"
Escaped Convicts
Newsflash: Two criminals have escaped from prison today. One is orange and 9ft tall, and the other green and yellow and 2ft tall.
The police are searching high and low for them
When The Bank Closes
"Dad," said Fred to his father, who was a bank robber. "I need £50 for the school trip tomorrow."
"OK, son," said his dad, "Ill get you the cash when the bank closes."
Robbery
What do you get if you cross a robbery with a bunch on flowers?
Robbery with violets!
The Muckup
A stupid bank robber rushed into a bank, pointed two fingers at the clerk and said, "This is a muck up!" "Dont you mean a stick up?" asked the girl. "No," said the robber, "its a muckup. Ive forgotten my gun."
The Strongest Theif
Who is the strongest theif?
A shoplifter!
Secure
Why was the robber so secure?
Because he was a safe robber.
Theft In China
What do you call a robbery in China?
A chinese takeaway!
Measles
Why did the man in jail want to catch measles?
So he could break out!
Organised
If you crossed a bin man with a robber what would you get?
Organised grime!