Miss Piggy
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because when she get's to 69 she gets a frog in her throat!
Clown
What do you call a female clown?
A clunt!
More To Show
What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it?
Strip poker!
Subway
Why do horny women order at Subway?
So that they get a footlong!
Vampires
What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire?
"See you next period!"
Eating Pussy
How can you tell if you eat pussy well?
You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.
The Male Prostitute
Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.
Sick
What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
Vomit
Popeye
What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oil.
The Doughnut
What's the difference between a donut and a hooker?
If you buy a donut you can't eat the fucking hole.
The Old Sailor
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. He asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well sailor, you're doing about three knots.' 'Three knots?' he replies, 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back'
A Fat Woman
What do you call a fat woman who likes men and women?
A bisexual built for two!
The Dildo
After 20 years of sex in the dark, a wife finds out her husband always used a dildo on her!
She said "Explain the dildo fool!"
He said "Well explain the kids bitch!"
Wanking
A man goes to the doctors and says "I can't stop wanking over 17 year old black girls!"
The doctor replies "Try one of these."
Looking puzzled, the man asks what they are.
The doctor says "Nigger teen patches!"
Stamps
The post office have just released a new stamp in the shape of a clitoris. It's not selling too well as only 3% of the population know how to lick it properly.
Granny's Porn
I found out recently that my granny made a porno.
I don't know what disgusted me more.
The fact that she made it or the fact that I carried on wanking even after I'd recognised her.
Fanny Smells
There was a man in a lift standing next to a beautiful woman.
He asks "Can I smell your fanny?"
"Certainly not!" she replies.
"It must be your feet then!"
Ethel The Prostitute
Ethel is a prostitute, but she didn't want her Grandma to know.
One day the police raided the brothel and lined up the girls outside.
Ethel's Gran happened to be passing. A quick thinking Ethel tells her Gran that they were waiting in line for free oranges, so her Gran decided to wait in the line too!
The police eventually reached Gran to question her.
"How do you do it at your age?"
"Oh I take my teeth out, pull back the skin and suck em dry!"
The policeman fainted!
Penis Sizes
A new survey states that average penis sizes in English men are 6 inches, Irish men 5 inches, German men 7 inches and Icelandic men are 11 inches.
That's the real reason mum's go to Iceland!
The Bigger The Boobs
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
The Handjob
Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.
In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob"
The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I"
Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was skiing"
The Airplane
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
The Sperm Count
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, when I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!
Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off!
Sex In The Forest
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
The Virgin
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin."
husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before."
The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
Two Married Men
Two married men are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, ease myself into bed and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."
Fat
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
The Psychiatrist A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
Financial Problems A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.
"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"
The Failed Attempt
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
The Dishes
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "Ok! I'll do the fucking dishes!"
Push Ups
A tomato, a piece of gum, and a penis are all talking.
The tomato says "I've got the worst live, I get cut up and stuck in a sandwhich".
The piece of gum says "No, mine's worse, I get chewed up, spit out and stepped on".
The penis says "No, by far I've gor the worst life... I get a plastic bag stuck over my head, then I'm shoved in a dark tunnel and made to do push ups 'till I throw up!"
The Woods
A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,
"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."
The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."
The Prisoner
The newlyweds arrive at the hotel and the girl tells her husband, "Honey, I know nothing of this, can you help me, please?"
"I will honey, starting from this instant, we will call your thing the prison and my thing we'll call the prisoner, so we will put the prisoner in the prison."
And they throw the first one.
The guy is laying face up on the bed, but the girl was delighted and tells her husband, "Love, the prisoner is outside the prison!"
The guy tired by very delighted tells her, "Let's put him into the prison another time!"
After the second the girl is very happy and she tells him, "Honey! The prisoner is out again!"
The man rises and they throw the third!
He is on the bed, exhausted and the girl says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again!!!"
And he answers, "HEY! It's not life imprisonment!!"
Dwarf Punishment
What punishment would a dwarf get if he runs between a womans legs?
A clit around the ear and a flap across the face!
£1000 For Sex
This fella fancies a girl in his office but she has a boyfriend. He approaches her anyway and offers her £1000 to have sex with him.
He says to her "I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
The girl consults her boyfriend who advises her to go for it, pick it up really fast so he won't have a chance.
An hour later her boyfriend rings her asking what's going on. She says to him "I can hardly fucking walk, the bastard used pound coins!"
The Penis And The Condom
What did the penis say to the condom?
"Cover me, I'm going in!"
Men In Bed
Why do men get all their good ideas in bed?
Because they are plugged into a genius!
Porn
My girlfriend is a pornstar.
She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out!
The Honeymoon
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 50th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what went through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked him, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "Well, it looks as if I did a pretty good job!"
A Guy And A Horse In A Bar
A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. In front of him he see's a big jar full of change and a little card that says:
Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh.
COST £5
So, he puts in five pounds and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves.
The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says:
You can win all of this if you make the horse cry.
COST £10
So he puts in 10 pounds and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had.
So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?"
The guy says "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"
Vampire And Boiling Water
A vampire goes into a bar and asks the barman for some boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and replies "I'm making tea!"
My Ex-Girlfriend
I phoned my ex-girlfriend last night and said to her, "Everytime I have sex I think about you."
She said, "Do you miss me that much?"
I said, "No,it just stops me from coming!"
The Teacher
Teacher asks a girl in her class, "What comes after 69?"
The girl replys," You rince out your mouth and wash off your face!"